Knowing is Half the Battle

I've known for a long time now that I want to recover from my addiction. I've taken in copious amounts of information and practiced everything I can. I've taken suggestions and listened to others' stories. I've arrested my addiction for over sixty days. I've gotten back to loving and trusting God after a ten year absence(around the time I started using). But the other half of the battle is wanting. I want this so bad right now that the pain I experienced still resonates deep in my heart. Since there is no known cure for addiction, it takes the right formula of trial and error for each individual person to succeed. What I can not believe is how much of a better person I am now than when I was using. I used to be a controlling, manipulative person. I used to be a compulsive liar. I used to not trust and believe in God. I truly believe I was supposed to go through this experience so that I could help others. That's one of the things I have always loved to do is help others. Recovery is not an exact science. Recovery is an art form.

Isiah 8:12-13

Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, He is the one you are to fear, He is the one you are to dread, . . .

Why should I fear the devil. If I fear the devil, then that gives him control of my emotions. I will fear God as he is in control of my destiny. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to fear You.

What Happens When You Panic?

You become calm, cool, and collected. The three Cs right? Taught in elementary school. Well today I couldn't find my bible and I started to panic. I thought, "Oh boy, here we go!" I started to think in my head that this was a sign that the devil was trying to get to me. Well it probably was because I decided to do my blog without the bible verse for the first time. As I was walking to the basement, I saw my bible on the book case sitting faintly in the dark. Order was restored. Cool. Calm. Collected. Right?


PSALM 22:24

O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord. Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me. Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!" or say, "We have swallowed him up."


I was not swallowed up by the dark side and am lucky that there was a glimmer of light for me to hold on to pull me back from the blackness. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for being by side and coming to my defense!

Unwanted Urging

I got an urge last night shortly after I put down my book and turned out the lights. I looked at the clock to time it and it was 11:05PM. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. By the time the urge had passed, it was 11:39PM. A 34 minute urge(Most last between 15 and 20 minutes). For those of you who don't know, an urge is a subliminal message or thought that your brain gives you because it wants something. With this example being a drug, it is the chemical the brain wants to unleash to experience the artificial pleasure feeling. I.E. it is a chemical addiction. Some addictions are physical and some are chemical, however some are both. I'm pretty sure my addiction is chemical and just when the brain realizes that the chemical is out of the system, it wants more and doesn't want you to forget about the reward experience. This happens at approximately the three week period. Now the brain can also be trained to live without drugs. It takes time. The longer I stay sober, the less and shorter urges will be until they eventually fade away. This sounds simple, but infact it is one of the great mysteries of diseases. Hopefully, my experience as a pseudo test case will help others in the future.

Ezekiel 36:3

Therefore prophesy and say, This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Because they ravaged and hounded you from every side so that you became the possession of the rest of the nations and the object of people's malicious talk and slander,

I almost became a permanent possession of the devil. People who I love dearly talk maliciously and slander me to my face and behind my back. But I must shove this to the side. If I let it affect me, I will never recover for I will hold resentments that will burn inside of me like a flaming torch. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to ignore malicious talk and slander against my name. Thank You for allowing me to be free from the deathly grip the devil possesses.

Writer's Blocked

I recently finished a 698 page book on the history of the NBA by Bill Simmons. The Book of Basketball is a riveting book on the complete history of professional basketball detailing the greatest players and greatest teams of all time, while also adding many stories and opinions that have generated over the years. There was a quote in the book by Bill Walton, a two time NCAA Champ and two time NBA Champ who holds the NBA record for most games missed in a career (due to injury) while being on a team's roster. Walton stated, "The history of life is that most people eventually figure it out." Referring to "The Choice" or stated by Bill Simmons as "The Secret", which is the only way to win a championship in the NBA(or in any phase of basketball). By playing as a team as one instead of looking for individual success and achievements, few players actually understood the "The Choice" or "The Secret".

Song of Songs 8:6

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

As paralleled with Walton's quote, I know that I will figure out my problem. I am beginning to love myself again and become one with myself. Although people have to figure out life on their own, the jouney holding God's hand can make the walk an endless stroll into freedom. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for walking with me as I figure out life and begin to love and know myself again.

Meditation for the Sculpting of the Mind

I had to meditate today and do some soul searching. I had to close my eyes and kick my feet up on the window sill. Sitting in the recliner, I told myself over and over again that I do not want to use drugs. That drugs are harmful to me. I told myself I will use my tools for recovery whenever I get into a situation where I sense my control is wavering. Again and again, I told myself I was going to be strong and resist the temptations. Praying to the Lord, I gave up my addiction to Him. An hour later, I woke up. I felt a change. A change that I've never felt before in my course for recovery. The complexity of arresting an addiction is like none other challenge I have ever faced. In the face of adversity, I have to do this. There is no other path.

Psalm 110:1

The Lord says to my Lord: "Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet."

The Lord is mighty. It is passages like this that remind me how powerful the Lord is. I am above my enemies and wish to rest my feet upon them. I can vision this. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for placing me at Your right hand.

Pain

I have to write about this because it's been built up inside of me for so long, especially lately. The hurt that I have caused myself and the ones I love is excruciating. It burrows in my heart and knives away until I can't stand it anymore and have to shut out the feelings by closing my eyes and praying I may fall asleep. Hopefully, writing about this will help. I can't dwell on what I've done, for the pain will expand. I can't forget about it either, as the pain will come back stronger. Today, I have to focus on not causing any more pain. I have to remember what this pain feels like everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for giving me strength. I close my eyes now and pray for forgiveness.

PSALM 145:17-20

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.


This is a very strong passage that resonates within my heart. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for saving me and destroying the wickedness which festered in my soul.

Surrender

I relapsed. I didn't just relapse, I had a full blown out shutdown. I was locked in my own prison without bars and I was the only one with the key. Here today, I stand to surrender. Unconditionally, truthfuly, honestly, I surrender.

God, today I stand before you upright and strong. I will not let my addiction bond to my soul anymore. I will not let the serpents enter my mind and soul. If urges do happen to slip in through the sneakyness of Satan, I will throw them out with the help of your angels. I have been defeated, humiliated, and broken. I will not look into the past and dwell on my sins. I will live for today now with You by my side. Step by step, I will walk into the light and away from the darkness. Micah 7:8-9 will be the bible verse I will abide by. I know You have a life of happiness in store for me God. I will never give up on You for the rest of my life. This too shall overcome as the price to pay has taken my soul to the depths of darkness. This is what I was put on this Earth for, to abide by Your will. All the words in all of the languages can not express my total surrender. Take my soul God, take it in Your palms and enter My heart through your Holy Spirit. For I am one with You as You are one with me.

Micah 7:8-9

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against Him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness.

Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to surrender to Your will.

Building of the Soul

I built a filing cabinet today. It took about two hours to assemble, but the end result was satisfying. Just doing something small was theraputic. My focus didn't waver and I didn't get frustrated. As with my addiction, I can't waver and lose focus or get frustrated. I am rebuilding my life piece by piece, just like assembling the filing cabinet. I've wanted to get this done for a while now, and am relieved to get this project done.

Micah 7:8-9

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

I love these two versus. I have fallen, but I will rise. The Lord is my light. I have sinned, but the Lord will establish my right. I can see His righteousness. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me see Your righteousness and being my light.

Family is an Extension of Yourself

This weekend was fulfilling, fun, and heartfelt. I spent alot of time with my family and loved every minute of it. I can't explain the joy in spending quality time with the people you love. I brings out the best in me and allows me to focus on what's important in my life. Smiling faces are important as they express happiness. I know this sounds logical, but just stop to think of a smiling face of somebody you love. Are you smiling now . . . ? I thought so.

Job 27:6

I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.

Job was a blameless and upright man. He had all one could want and lost everything. Yet in the end he did not lose his integrity. I can not praise God only for the good things but also the bad things. Too often I thank God for the good things he has brought into my life. When something went wrong in the past, a few times I cursed God. Thank You God, thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for everything good and bad you have brought to my life.

Alcohol is a Drug

I went to a NA meeting today for the first time in almost two weeks. It felt good to go back. I had thoughts of not going back to meetings until I reached thirty days clean, but in the back of my head I heard the saying, "Those who make meetings regularly stay clean." This stuck it my head and so today I went to a meeting that my sponser chairs. There were only three of us, but we had a real good forty-five minute conversation. It was good to talk about alcohol as the last two times I relapsed, I drank beforehand. Alot of recovering addicts use alcohol as a substitute. In my case, I tried to trick myself into thinking I could have and few and be ok. This was not the case. When I used, seventy-five percent of the time I started out drinking first. With drinking and using going hand-in-hand for me, my addiction tried to trick me into thinking a few would be ok. I was off and running both times before I knew it. Alcohol is a drug as it is a mind-altering substance. This is a fact and not an opinion. Some can handle their drugs, some can not.

Job 37:22-23

Out of the north He comes in golden splendor; God comes in awsome majesty. The Almighty is beyond our reach and exalted in power; in his justice and great righteousness, He does not oppress.

That last statement, "He does not oppress," really stuck with me. God does not shun or isolate people. He does not revoke His love or play favorites. I have found myself in the past thinking that since I did not love God anymore, He did not love me. When all along, He was right there the whole time. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for being at my side every minute of my life. I will not give up on You, for my oppression will be directed towards my addiction.

Perseverance

In order for me to arrest my addiction, I'm going to have to practice perseverance. To persevere through something that is difficult is self-rewarding. There are many times where I have given up, hence my chronicled relapses. If I would have just persevered through that first urge, things would have been different. But I cannot live in the past. I must live for the day. If I live for the day, my future will play out accordingly. Whatever God has instore for me, I will be prepared.

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

I've caught myself dwelling on the past many times, playing out scenarios where this could of been that and if not this then that and if not that than this. This is self destructive thinking. We do not live in a movie where we can go back into the past and change things to alter the future. Today, I can think for today, and today only. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me live Your will for today.

Planting a Seed

I've found that working in the yard is theraputic. I sprayed the yard front and back with weed killer today and put down some pre-emergent fertilizer. There's just something about tending to what's yours that is self-fulfilling. Not only does it keep one active, but it keeps the mind active as well. In about two weeks, I'm gonna put down some grass seed and then the fruits of my labor will have results about two weeks after that when the germination is over. Those results are kind of parallel with what's happening with me. I've been laying the ground work for my recovery for a while now; however grubs, weeds, and not enough water have left my front yard in shambles.

Ezra 9:31

On the twelfth day of the first month we set out from the Ahava Canal to go to Jerusalem. The hand of our God was on us, and he protected us from enemies and bandits along the way.

I trust in the hand of God to guide me. I trust in the hand of God to protect me from enemies and bandits. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for laying your hand upon me and guiding me in the direction of Your will.

The Underdog

Am I the underdog? Most certainly. That's because addiction is favored to win everytime. That's why it takes effort and dedication to beat addiction. It takes a strong will and God's strength. It takes an open heart and a clear mind.

Psalm 34:2

My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicated hear and rejoice.

If my soul is not with the Lord Jesus Christ, than who is it with? The devil. I could not hear the Lord Jesus Christ when I was afflicted. My ears were deaf to the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You got opening my ears to Your voice.

Lighting Denial

This weekend I stayed at a friend's house. It was theraputic and refreshing at the same time.

A good friend of mine who had read my blog told me not use it as a gimmick. I thank him for that suggestion. It wasn't that I was using it as a gimmick, but it definately is possible for me to lose focus of why I'm writing this blog. To help myself and to help others. That is one reason why I want to remain anonymous. I do not wish to receive praise or recognition for my writing. I do not wish to be proud of my writings as pride is a deadly, deadly sin.

Today was the resurrection of Jesus and the pastor at church spoke of a light in the darkness. When I was an addict, my life was darker than coal. The black hole for which I dwindled into had blinded me from the light and kept my addiction hostage. There is now light in my life, and that light is God.

Mark 14:71-72

He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about." Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.

How many times in my life did I deny and disown Jesus? Too many. Lord Jesus Christ knew I would disown Him. But he also knew I would come back to Him. That is the unconditional love of the Lord Jesus Christ that is so rare in humans. Alot of people speak of unconditional love but do not practice it. I will practice unconditional love to Jesus and to those that I love. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for being there for me no matter what. Thank You for showing me a light in the darkness.

Exercising The Soul

Tonight, I did a few normal things. It seems odd to write this, but honestly, it felt good. I got a hair cut, bought some toilet paper, went tanning and then went to the gym. My doctor told me that going to the gym helps with recovery. Your body releases endorphins natually when you exercise. This is how your supposed to feel. Good. Naturally. When you release your endorphins all at once by using, more specifically in my case, the dopamine (which is actually a neurotransmitter, but is still a reward chemical of the brain) usually doesn't get replenished enough for the high to be long lasting or realistically natural. Now to get off the technical terms, the fact of the matter is drugs are not natural. They are selfish and make people selfish. Basically when I used, I was rewarding myself, and that's it. Nobody else. And that reward wasn't so much of a reward in the end.

Jeremiah 8:6

I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. No one repents of his wickedness, saying, "What have I done?" Each pursues his own course like a horse charging into battle.

I used to listen to myself and that's it. Sure I took suggestions and learned about addiction and more important recovery. In the end, I tried to do it my way with a twist of everything I had learned. I did not truely repent for my sins. I asked God to forgive me, but subconciously I wanted to be forgiven so I could use again. I don't pursue my own course. I pursue God's course. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me realize I was trying to live life my way and not Your way. Thank You for letting me repent for my sins with no reservations.