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Friday, May 28, 2010

One In the Same

I like to hear about recovery. We all know how to use and all have the same war stories. I don't enjoy hearing those stories. They are worthless and should be let go. We will never forget them, but we don't have to dwell on them. See, I have a lot in common with addicts from all walks of life. Same situation, same problem, different object(s) addicted to. I can't arrest your problem, but I can arrest mine. Handcuffs and thrown in the back of the cop car. I'm taking my addiction to the holding cell. Facing the judge, my addiction is sentenced to life without parole.

JOB 32:20

I must speak and find relief; I must open my lips and reply.

I was quit about my addiction. I didn't admit I was an addict until last August after ten years of drug and alcohol addiction. If I do not reply to God's word, who will hear me? Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to hear You and speak Your words.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Roots and Ladders

I'm going to call it the Progressive Ladder. Associated with other terms such as "the gateway drug" and "addiction substitute", this instance of addiction can be traced to many addicts, including myself. In many cases the root starts out with nicotine or caffeine (two legal and less mild stimulants). Then it goes to some more socially accepted drugs, such as alcohol or marijuana(or Mr. Smiley). Then the next step is one or the other of the beforehand two. On up the ladder, and more powerful drugs come into play such as cocaine, crack, heroin, meth, exstacy, oxycontin, and vicodin. Some only do one of these, while some do a couple and a few addicts do every and any drug they can get their hands on.

The acute link of this term is that it doesn't always happen over a length or period of time. It can happen in one night. An addict can start off my chugging a Mountain Dew. They then get the energy to go out and drink some alcohol. Next thing you know, they are smoking a joint. And then it's off to the races to get the "good stuff". The irony of it all is that the addict woke up that morning not intending to relapse.


Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!

I was alone. I didn't think I needed anybody to help me up. But God showed me He is a friend no matter what. Unconditional friendship and love is unparalleled. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for helping me up.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Split Second

I just got putting in a 16.75 hour day. What fun, but this was good for me. I went to the Indiana Auditor's conference as we were hosting a dinner for some of our customers. There were quite a few people drinking including customers and employees, about one-hundred in all. I was able to abstain from drinking and also drove everybody home from Fort Wayne. Drinking lemonade, I was able to have fun without being drunk. It's important for me to realize that I can have fun staying sober. I need to get some sleep as it's almost one in the morning and I need to be at work at seven-thirty in the morning. Good night and sober tight.

PSALM 143:10

Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God; may Your good Spirit lead me on level ground.

When I was using, I didn't want God to teach me, I thought I could teach God. Thank You God, Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me that You are my teacher. Lead me to do Your will.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

As We Conquer

Intriguingly so, the question to the answer awaits in the hearts of angels. All around the globe there is addiction afflicting many nations and cultures. Rampant so that poverty and disease spread like dandelions. Anything can be arrested, but correcting the erroneous behavior is only done where written so is practiced through the word of God. Nonetheless, treating a disease as a personality will further damage the recovery. Tonight I know where my heart is. It's beating in the hand of God.


All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.

There used to be ulterior motives to my ways when I was chasing my next high. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing my ways to be direct and in the eyes of You.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Eye On the Prize

I know this is what is going to happen. I'm going to remain sober abstaining from drugs and not giving in to temptation. Moving forward and not stumbling backwards into the past. Remembrance of dark times clouded by violent storms and violet promises. Red for the intensity of the pain and blue for the wave of deceit. Having a memory of what was and how bad it was. Thoughts of how good it can be and how deep I need to see. No time for lackluster finishes and spotted cleanings. Washing away the heat and welcoming the cool breeze. My retina relaxes and a mist uncovers a rebirth.

PSALM 107:42

The upright see and rejoice, but all the wicked shut their mouths.

When I was living in sin, I did not speak of God, I could not see him. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me You and allowing me to open my mouth to praise Your glory.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Sun Rays

Went to the beach today and really enjoyed the warmth. It's nice to absorb the sun's light and feel the relaxation. I once heard that Vitamin D is very good for the health overall and the sun provides a plethora of it. Today was also Pentecost Sunday. A very important day as The Holy Spirit came today. At service today, I closed my eyes and praying could feel The Holy Spirit go through my body. It was like a body weaving through my soul. Replenishing The Holy Spirit is revitalizing. It can re-charge the mind and body, just like the sun. Shine upon me Holy Spirit. Light my path.


Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the Lord understand it fully.

When I was full of sin, I thought I was above justice, in the legal system and with God. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me understand justice and abide by Your rules.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Absent Time

This one thing was digging into my thoughts. I kept thinking how great it was to be sober. That's the realization. I know was needs to be done. I just can't slip into that lull where I forgot how I got here. Next thing ya know, God becomes an afterthought instead of a constant ruler. The things He knows are infinite and they can not be defined. I now have to think of time as a precursor to how much elapsed between relapses so that it is a non-factor. The calendar is irrelevant as long as two things happen. I love God and I share that I love God.

JOB 38:19

"What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside?

The darkness definitely resides in addiction. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me where darkness resides.

Friday, May 21, 2010


Today is twenty days clean for me. From my analysis and personal experience, the next ten days will be the hardest to stay clean. There is a "honeymoon" period of about twenty days that takes place first. Now comes the re-toxification effect. The brain realizes that most of the chemical is gone from the body and therefore the possibility of quitting for good is much higher than ever before. The brain doesn't want this. Chemically, the brain wants to feel the euphoria and tries harder than ever to do so at this time. But the trick is the brain can be trained. As individuals, we learn by repitition and practice. We practiced and repeated getting high, becoming addicted. Therefore, by practicing and repeating staying clean, we will become sober. Now the most important aspect of all is to allow God to give us strength because without Him, the devil will take advantage of our weakness. It's not a receipe for success, just a step closer to reaching out and touching the sun.


Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.

When I admitted that I was an addict was the moment I stopped hating correction. This was a big step for me getting clean and I will forever remember this. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to acknowledge knowledge and discipline.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


Today I saw a movie that was very good. I recommend it to all people, addicts and non-addicts. It was the story of Bill W., one of the co-founders of AA. I noticed a myriad of similarities between his life and mine. In fact, most addicts live similar lives and have similar war stories and ups and downs. The craziest thing of all is the parallel structure of the recovery process. It seems that it is different for everybody, but at the same time the similar. God is the ultimate healer. If God is not present, one will not recover. They may be abstinent, but inside they have not fully recovered. That was me. Now is we.


Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.

Take it one day at a time. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to take it one day at a time.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Solo Hide and Seek

This is the second of two posts for tonight. The previous one from last night is titled "Passed Out".

I had to find myself as I was lost. I had hid from myself and I couldn't be found. It was dark and I could barely see. Then a light shined upon me and there I was, standing alone no more with the hand of God on my shoulder. He forgave me and He did not scorn me. He showed me a path and guided me down it. Amazing as it seems, He was there all along. I was hiding from Him too. Scared to let go of the devil, scared that the devil would take away the things he had shown me and got me addicted to. The drugs had the power. But it was an empty power. The batteries had gone dead. I guess you could say I won the game of hide and seek when I found myself. But the real victory goes to God.

ISAIAH 43:10

"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He. Before Me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me.

Such strong words for God. He is the creator and no one will ever overthrow his throne. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to know that I am Your witness.

Passed Out

Last night I fell asleep in the recliner and almost forgot to do my blog. I wrote it in my journal instead and decided to post it tonight. This will be the first of two posts tonight. I was half asleep when I wrote it, so if it doesn't make sense to you, it wasn't supposed to.

A sadness may be overcome but happiness will overcome all. This can not be discounted nor ignored. I know I will be there for the fireworks and cake. I must not falter or sway in the devil's favor. He will sneak up from behind. Between the eyes, I will strike him and send him stumbling back. This is the power of God. He will show me the inner strength and I will let it grow like ivy.

PSALM 115:1

Not to us, O Lord, not to us but to Your name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness.

God is faithful and has taught me this trait towards other people. I am grateful for is God showing me faithfulness. I wasn't faithful to God when I deserted him many years ago. Today, I stand corrected. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for Your love and faithfulness.

Monday, May 17, 2010


All of this junk and turmoil has hardened my skin but not my soul. I know what to expect, but it's how to prepare for the expected that can get tricky. I know I'm ready for the change and the metamorphosis has already began to blossom. But this is not the butterfly effect, rather a volcanic eruption of faith. It's a long time coming and God's will. Why would I deny it? The first thing I need to know is not zero but one. That's where it starts for me because zeros hurt the recovery point average (RPA) and negatives go backwards. I want to score a hundred percent on this test. Like a piece of fossilized volcanic rock, it will be hard to break this will with a high powered drill. And I'm not drilling for oil.


Who should not revere you, O King of the nations? This is Your due. Among all the wise men of the nations and in all their kingdoms, there is no one like You.

The wisest of all is God. His word is always true, there is no false. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me Your wisdom and truth.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mind Set

I have to be in this mindset. It's the mindset of not wanting to use. Not having the desire. I feel good, I've made it farther than I did last time days wise. This is my fifteenth day. Half a month and I can't lax on my recovery. I must keep working at it and never ever give up.

This weekend I helped a friend who has a landscaping business. It was very rewarding to get out in the fresh air and do some physical labor. We cleared out about two acres of field that the owner of the property had let go for a few years. I was using a high powered lawn mower than can cut down small trees, I believe they are called brush mowers. I got a good workout and am sore everywhere. But like I said, this was good for me to get out and stay busy.


The Lord reigns forever; he has established His throne for judgment.

Only God can judge me. Thank You God, Thank Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me know only You can judge me.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Stealing From Yourself

When I did drugs, I was only stealing from myself. Shelling out countless amounts of money for something that lasted only a night. Alot of addicts blame the drug dealers for robbing them. That is their profession, they are independent contractors if you will. I dont condone their behavior or their profession nor is it legal or moral. They take money for a good. The black market could not get any blacker, but hence the name, it speaks for itself. There is another market in this world. Lets say we call it the white market. God's market is full of goods, but they don't cost a penny. God's goods dont last a day or two, they last forever. It's an open market where the merchants are not looking for a profit, but only a return. How ironic. A wise woman (My grandmother) once told me that money is the root of all evil. That's why I'm not bothered by spending the money I did. I will make more money. The money I spent was used on evil deeds. It can not replaced but replenished. Money doesn't grow on trees, it sprouts from the ground like weeds.

JOB 22:21

Submit to God and be at peace with him; in this way prosperity will come to you.

I wish not to be wealthy but prosperous. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to be at peace with You.

Friday, May 14, 2010


I've put on my fatigues for this war. The battle is already underway and the allies have been set. Weapons aside, the real fight draws out upon this world we call Earth. Wars are not won on the front lines, but behind the scenes. Without either, we would have nor a winner or a loser. I'm fatigued as this war has taken alot out of me. I must sustain and keep on trucking. Strength can be injected via God.


At the end of that time, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven, and my sanity was restored. Then I praised the Most High; I honored and glorified Him who lives forever. His dominion is an eternal domination; His kingdom endures from generation to generation.

Strong words for a strong war. Who do you think will win in the end? Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to pass Your kingdom from generation to generation.

Thursday, May 13, 2010


The current of faith currently going through my body is unparalleled and it's a shocker that I didn't know better before. But how could I? When I plug in to God, He will fill me with His electricity. This is the light. This is why I fight. Luckily, I wasn't shocked to death by the devil for he could have done so with no regard and left me electrocuted on the ground. But it wasn't just a flick of the switch as a new switch had to be installed altogether. When I shut the lights off at night, I now know God is with me. This sends a chill up my spine. But it is not the flow but the intensity of the voltage. God's voltage.

PROVERBS 1:20-21

Wisdom calls aloud in the street, she raises her voice in the public squares;

Knowledge and Wisdom are everywhere, it's what I choose to listen to and understand that makes the difference between hearing and understanding wisdom. Rejecting wisdom can have dire consequences. Especially God's wisdom. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to understand and apply Your wisdom.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


I can see through my eyes, but can I see through God the world that awaits me? You see, if I start to live through my own eyes, my thoughts and actions will become selfish. I know this because I've done it for almost eleven years. Chasing the dream will only complicate the process of achieving the dream. I am near-sighted, but up close everything is clear, for afar the cloudiness remains confusing. This is where I need help seeing. The blind stares of a million eyes will not help, but God's vision is twenty-twenty. So I'm going to go ahead and keep my God goggles on, for I may run into something and stumble.

JOEL 2:11

The Lord thunders at the head of his army; his forces are beyond number, and mighty are those who obey his command. The day of the Lord is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it?

Who can endure it? That is the challenge to the question only a man or woman can answer themselves. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for making me a part of Your army.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I know I have to live a stable life. Nobody should have to live an unstable life full of surprises. The pitfalls of going to where you need to go can cause your rope to break. That's where the skill comes into play. But is it skill or is it will? That's where a balance has to be achieved that can even out the playing field. A skill is something you can do at work. Will is what you do with your life. But living life can require skill and will. So lets call it skwill. A skilled person and a willed person is dually respected. But the essence of it all is that it is God's will and God who supplies the skill.


He follows my decrees and faithfully keeps my laws. That man is righteous; he will surely live, declares the Sovereign Lord.

I was on the path to jail or death. Either one is not living. I want to live. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to live and showing me Your decrees and laws.

Monday, May 10, 2010

In Perspective

Today, I am eight days clean, fifteen minutes away from nine days clean. But I am much farther than that. I must not think that way, but let this happen. Today, I can say I'm a better person. I can say I know who I am, and that would be expected. But if I say I am not who I am, that's who I was. The perfect example can not be achieved and should not be anticipated. I was taught that patience is a virtue. So to adhere to that principle would be beneficial not only to myself, but to who I am. A lot happens in a day, but the task of laying down at night and putting the day in retrospect is effective in concocting a positive mental state. To wake up the next day and open my eyes with no regrets is priceless. As is my life. As is your life. As is our life. As is His life.

ISAIAH 51:15-16

For I am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar - the Lord Almighty is his name. I have put My words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of My hand - I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, "You are My people."

Everything. All of this. Everywhere, is the Lord. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for covering me with Your shadow and putting Your words in my mouth.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Past the History

It is this that I love. And this being a whole bunch of things. Right now, I am feeling every bit of oneness. A path is open now and I walk down it. Looking through the tree tops to see the sunlight glimmering through the leaves. The breeze touches my face and I close my eyes. I open them now and I can see the stars fading in and out across the noir sky. This is my destiny, the path I was supposed to lead. Stronger. Wiser. More Disciplined. But still learning, taking it a step at a time. The stairs will lead me to the Light.

ISAIAH 43:18-19

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

Memories will not be forgotten, but will eventually fade away. I will not dwell in the past, I can not dwell in the past. I will live for today. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to live today and not dwell on the past.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

A Constant Variable

God never changes. He remains the same. It is we who have to make the changes assigned to our destiny. A life performed by an outside source will most likely encourage an alternate route. Together, we make innocence the main objective while guilt haunts the soul and should be avoided. This is how to step forward in the right direction and look to the side for reasurrance.


And there before me was the glory of the God of Israel, as in the vision I had seen in the plain.

If I can vision the Lord, He will be there standing before me. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for standing before me.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Beyond the Mirror

Sometimes we are blinded by what we can not see. The afterthought of what we just experienced is masked by the artful mastery of reflection. Upon which image we choose to see is of our own desire. Complacent in our actions, taking charge is not merely an option. Limiting interference can clear up the signal meant to reach our senses. So as far as we can reach, the hand of the Lord will break through glass and not be cut to reach our hand. For it is not I who should see myself, but a glimpse of Light refracted to heal shines upon me.

PSALM 125:3

The scepter of the wicked will not remain over the land allotted to the righteous, for then the righteous might use their hands to do evil.

My hands were used to do evil when I was using. Right now I am using my hands in the opposite way to carry the message of the Lord. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for ridding my hands of evil ways.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

One is too Many

There is a saying out there. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. This applies to drugs for the addict and can also reflect other avenues of life. Even lying. Today I got caught up in a lie. I feel awful, not only because the lie was meaningless and not even necessary, but I threw my cousin under the bus unjustly and hurt my ex-fiancee even more. I told her that my cousin asked me to drink last Saturday night, when in-fact it was me who asked him. Why did I lie about this? Because I tried to blank out the memory in my head of me wanting to drink when I knew I couldn't drink. Being ashamed, I took the devil's route. I can not be a Godly man if I am still lying. Even if it is a small lie. A lie is a lie. And the devil is a liar.


This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: "Stand at the gate of the Lords house and there proclaim this message: "Hear the word of the Lord, all you people of Judah who come through these gates to worship the Lord. This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Isreal, says: Reform your ways and your actions, and I will let you live in this place. Do not trust in deceptive words and say, "This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!" If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justly, if you do not oppress the alien, the fatherless or the widow and do not shed innocent blood in this place, and if you do not follow other gods to your own harm, then I will let you live in this place, in the land I have your forefathers for ever and ever. But look, you are trusting in deceptive words that are worthless.

I need to search my soul for any lies that I have spoken and come clean to those I have lied to. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to be honest. Thank You for allowing me to tell the truth.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Keep Going

I am very tired tonight for some reason. I'll be in bed by 10PM tonight and I almost didn't write tonight. But it's moments like these that I need to fight through and do what's right. Last night I began to read the book of Proverbs from the beginning. Wisdom and discipline. I'm going to end this short tonight. But please reflect on those two words. Wisdom and discipline.

ISAIAH 12:1-3

In that day you will say: "I will praise you, O Lord, although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation." With you you will draw water from the wells of salvation.

I will trust in the Lord. I will not be afraid. Your salvation Lord will bring my strength and my song to You from You. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for today.

I found this song to write to tonight. I love it!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Streets Talk

In this glorious world of ours that we have taken for granted, there is hope. Not all is lost. The recent leaking oil in our precious ocean from the oil rig that exploded will have a profound effect on our nation, environment, and economy. We can't fear for the worst, we have to pray for the best.

Today I did some street ministry, which consisted of walking the streets and handing out prayer cards to individuals and putting the prayer cards on door knobs. I absolutely loved it. I saw a lot. I saw myself in these people, every single one of them. I could feel certain houses or individuals where there was darkness (especially drug use). I was encouraged to pray for the light to come and replace the darkness, and so I did. Every step I took on the walk, I could feel myself walking closer to God and farther away from the devil.

HAGGAI 2:6-9

This is what the Lord Almighty says: 'In a little while I will once more shake the heavens and the earth, the sea and the dry land. I will shake all nations, and the desired of all nations will come, and I will fill this house with glory,' says the Lord Almighty. The silver is mine and the gold is mine,' declares the Lord Almighty, 'The glory of this present house will be greater than the glory of the former house,' says the Lord Almighty. 'And in this place I will grant peace,' declares the Lord Almighty.

The Lord will grant peace in this house. He will fill this house with glory. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to spread Your word. There was great joy in my act of faith today. It is not me who is important, but You.

Monday, May 3, 2010

The Beautiful Struggle

I became a one-sided freak show. I didn't know which side was which. The blurry eyes and foggy brain of mine were clouded with a mist that crept into my body. The devil was present and in full effect. he knew what he was doing and was so good at getting his way and ruining lives, he didn't even deserve to have his name capitalized in a sentence. This is how it works. The devil will show you something good or even great that makes you feel good. he will slowly and easily lure you into his lair, and then it's too late. There is no rock bottom, because a wise man once told me everybody bottom has a trap door. Drugs will take you until you die and then it effects the ones who love you and your family after you are dead. And then your family's family.

This is my story from Saturday night until Sunday night. I need not say more about it because relapse is not elaborate.

Today, God brought my neighbor to me. God has been speaking to me through people for about six weeks now. "Find someone worth dying for and live for them, " is what my neighbor told me that really stuck out. This is was Jesus Christ did. If you are an addict or not please re-read that quote. And then read it again. He also showed me a video to check out. Again, please watch this. And then watch it again. I'm listening to it right now as I type. It's making me cry as I type this sentence.

Right now this second I am thinking about my son. About how I used to hold him to my chest when he was a baby and feel an aura of love and happiness. My neighbor reminded me of that feeling and I still get that feeling when I hug him the little I get to see him now. But if I go to jail or die, that feeling will be gone for both of us.

ISAIAH 40:27-31

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom, He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

While I was in the middle of this blog I began to speak in tongues. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I never believed in tongues nor have wanted to speak in tongues. I started to get a feeling in my heart kind of like a sensation. I closed my eyes and began to speak in tongues and I kept feeling an incredible sensation going through my body. At first it felt like the feeling you get when you get high but it was a thousand times more powerful. God You are not made up, You are real. I can not deny You Lord, nor will I give up on You. Thank You God, Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me the high I get from the drugs will go away and that Your love is much more powerful than the devil's false hopes. Thank You for showing me Your love is everlasting.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Knowing is Half the Battle

I've known for a long time now that I want to recover from my addiction. I've taken in copious amounts of information and practiced everything I can. I've taken suggestions and listened to others' stories. I've arrested my addiction for over sixty days. I've gotten back to loving and trusting God after a ten year absence(around the time I started using). But the other half of the battle is wanting. I want this so bad right now that the pain I experienced still resonates deep in my heart. Since there is no known cure for addiction, it takes the right formula of trial and error for each individual person to succeed. What I can not believe is how much of a better person I am now than when I was using. I used to be a controlling, manipulative person. I used to be a compulsive liar. I used to not trust and believe in God. I truly believe I was supposed to go through this experience so that I could help others. That's one of the things I have always loved to do is help others. Recovery is not an exact science. Recovery is an art form.

Isiah 8:12-13

Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, He is the one you are to fear, He is the one you are to dread, . . .

Why should I fear the devil. If I fear the devil, then that gives him control of my emotions. I will fear God as he is in control of my destiny. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to fear You.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

What Happens When You Panic?

You become calm, cool, and collected. The three Cs right? Taught in elementary school. Well today I couldn't find my bible and I started to panic. I thought, "Oh boy, here we go!" I started to think in my head that this was a sign that the devil was trying to get to me. Well it probably was because I decided to do my blog without the bible verse for the first time. As I was walking to the basement, I saw my bible on the book case sitting faintly in the dark. Order was restored. Cool. Calm. Collected. Right?

PSALM 22:24

O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord. Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me. Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!" or say, "We have swallowed him up."

I was not swallowed up by the dark side and am lucky that there was a glimmer of light for me to hold on to pull me back from the blackness. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for being by side and coming to my defense!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Unwanted Urging

I got an urge last night shortly after I put down my book and turned out the lights. I looked at the clock to time it and it was 11:05PM. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. By the time the urge had passed, it was 11:39PM. A 34 minute urge(Most last between 15 and 20 minutes). For those of you who don't know, an urge is a subliminal message or thought that your brain gives you because it wants something. With this example being a drug, it is the chemical the brain wants to unleash to experience the artificial pleasure feeling. I.E. it is a chemical addiction. Some addictions are physical and some are chemical, however some are both. I'm pretty sure my addiction is chemical and just when the brain realizes that the chemical is out of the system, it wants more and doesn't want you to forget about the reward experience. This happens at approximately the three week period. Now the brain can also be trained to live without drugs. It takes time. The longer I stay sober, the less and shorter urges will be until they eventually fade away. This sounds simple, but infact it is one of the great mysteries of diseases. Hopefully, my experience as a pseudo test case will help others in the future.

Ezekiel 36:3

Therefore prophesy and say, This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Because they ravaged and hounded you from every side so that you became the possession of the rest of the nations and the object of people's malicious talk and slander,

I almost became a permanent possession of the devil. People who I love dearly talk maliciously and slander me to my face and behind my back. But I must shove this to the side. If I let it affect me, I will never recover for I will hold resentments that will burn inside of me like a flaming torch. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to ignore malicious talk and slander against my name. Thank You for allowing me to be free from the deathly grip the devil possesses.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Writer's Blocked

I recently finished a 698 page book on the history of the NBA by Bill Simmons. The Book of Basketball is a riveting book on the complete history of professional basketball detailing the greatest players and greatest teams of all time, while also adding many stories and opinions that have generated over the years. There was a quote in the book by Bill Walton, a two time NCAA Champ and two time NBA Champ who holds the NBA record for most games missed in a career (due to injury) while being on a team's roster. Walton stated, "The history of life is that most people eventually figure it out." Referring to "The Choice" or stated by Bill Simmons as "The Secret", which is the only way to win a championship in the NBA(or in any phase of basketball). By playing as a team as one instead of looking for individual success and achievements, few players actually understood the "The Choice" or "The Secret".

Song of Songs 8:6

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

As paralleled with Walton's quote, I know that I will figure out my problem. I am beginning to love myself again and become one with myself. Although people have to figure out life on their own, the jouney holding God's hand can make the walk an endless stroll into freedom. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for walking with me as I figure out life and begin to love and know myself again.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Meditation for the Sculpting of the Mind

I had to meditate today and do some soul searching. I had to close my eyes and kick my feet up on the window sill. Sitting in the recliner, I told myself over and over again that I do not want to use drugs. That drugs are harmful to me. I told myself I will use my tools for recovery whenever I get into a situation where I sense my control is wavering. Again and again, I told myself I was going to be strong and resist the temptations. Praying to the Lord, I gave up my addiction to Him. An hour later, I woke up. I felt a change. A change that I've never felt before in my course for recovery. The complexity of arresting an addiction is like none other challenge I have ever faced. In the face of adversity, I have to do this. There is no other path.

Psalm 110:1

The Lord says to my Lord: "Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet."

The Lord is mighty. It is passages like this that remind me how powerful the Lord is. I am above my enemies and wish to rest my feet upon them. I can vision this. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for placing me at Your right hand.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I have to write about this because it's been built up inside of me for so long, especially lately. The hurt that I have caused myself and the ones I love is excruciating. It burrows in my heart and knives away until I can't stand it anymore and have to shut out the feelings by closing my eyes and praying I may fall asleep. Hopefully, writing about this will help. I can't dwell on what I've done, for the pain will expand. I can't forget about it either, as the pain will come back stronger. Today, I have to focus on not causing any more pain. I have to remember what this pain feels like everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for giving me strength. I close my eyes now and pray for forgiveness.

PSALM 145:17-20

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.

This is a very strong passage that resonates within my heart. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for saving me and destroying the wickedness which festered in my soul.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I relapsed. I didn't just relapse, I had a full blown out shutdown. I was locked in my own prison without bars and I was the only one with the key. Here today, I stand to surrender. Unconditionally, truthfuly, honestly, I surrender.

God, today I stand before you upright and strong. I will not let my addiction bond to my soul anymore. I will not let the serpents enter my mind and soul. If urges do happen to slip in through the sneakyness of Satan, I will throw them out with the help of your angels. I have been defeated, humiliated, and broken. I will not look into the past and dwell on my sins. I will live for today now with You by my side. Step by step, I will walk into the light and away from the darkness. Micah 7:8-9 will be the bible verse I will abide by. I know You have a life of happiness in store for me God. I will never give up on You for the rest of my life. This too shall overcome as the price to pay has taken my soul to the depths of darkness. This is what I was put on this Earth for, to abide by Your will. All the words in all of the languages can not express my total surrender. Take my soul God, take it in Your palms and enter My heart through your Holy Spirit. For I am one with You as You are one with me.

Micah 7:8-9

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against Him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness.

Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to surrender to Your will.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Building of the Soul

I built a filing cabinet today. It took about two hours to assemble, but the end result was satisfying. Just doing something small was theraputic. My focus didn't waver and I didn't get frustrated. As with my addiction, I can't waver and lose focus or get frustrated. I am rebuilding my life piece by piece, just like assembling the filing cabinet. I've wanted to get this done for a while now, and am relieved to get this project done.

Micah 7:8-9

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness.

I love these two versus. I have fallen, but I will rise. The Lord is my light. I have sinned, but the Lord will establish my right. I can see His righteousness. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me see Your righteousness and being my light.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Family is an Extension of Yourself

This weekend was fulfilling, fun, and heartfelt. I spent alot of time with my family and loved every minute of it. I can't explain the joy in spending quality time with the people you love. I brings out the best in me and allows me to focus on what's important in my life. Smiling faces are important as they express happiness. I know this sounds logical, but just stop to think of a smiling face of somebody you love. Are you smiling now . . . ? I thought so.

Job 27:6

I will maintain my righteousness and never let go of it; my conscience will not reproach me as long as I live.

Job was a blameless and upright man. He had all one could want and lost everything. Yet in the end he did not lose his integrity. I can not praise God only for the good things but also the bad things. Too often I thank God for the good things he has brought into my life. When something went wrong in the past, a few times I cursed God. Thank You God, thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for everything good and bad you have brought to my life.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Alcohol is a Drug

I went to a NA meeting today for the first time in almost two weeks. It felt good to go back. I had thoughts of not going back to meetings until I reached thirty days clean, but in the back of my head I heard the saying, "Those who make meetings regularly stay clean." This stuck it my head and so today I went to a meeting that my sponser chairs. There were only three of us, but we had a real good forty-five minute conversation. It was good to talk about alcohol as the last two times I relapsed, I drank beforehand. Alot of recovering addicts use alcohol as a substitute. In my case, I tried to trick myself into thinking I could have and few and be ok. This was not the case. When I used, seventy-five percent of the time I started out drinking first. With drinking and using going hand-in-hand for me, my addiction tried to trick me into thinking a few would be ok. I was off and running both times before I knew it. Alcohol is a drug as it is a mind-altering substance. This is a fact and not an opinion. Some can handle their drugs, some can not.

Job 37:22-23

Out of the north He comes in golden splendor; God comes in awsome majesty. The Almighty is beyond our reach and exalted in power; in his justice and great righteousness, He does not oppress.

That last statement, "He does not oppress," really stuck with me. God does not shun or isolate people. He does not revoke His love or play favorites. I have found myself in the past thinking that since I did not love God anymore, He did not love me. When all along, He was right there the whole time. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for being at my side every minute of my life. I will not give up on You, for my oppression will be directed towards my addiction.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


In order for me to arrest my addiction, I'm going to have to practice perseverance. To persevere through something that is difficult is self-rewarding. There are many times where I have given up, hence my chronicled relapses. If I would have just persevered through that first urge, things would have been different. But I cannot live in the past. I must live for the day. If I live for the day, my future will play out accordingly. Whatever God has instore for me, I will be prepared.

Isaiah 43:18

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.

I've caught myself dwelling on the past many times, playing out scenarios where this could of been that and if not this then that and if not that than this. This is self destructive thinking. We do not live in a movie where we can go back into the past and change things to alter the future. Today, I can think for today, and today only. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me live Your will for today.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Planting a Seed

I've found that working in the yard is theraputic. I sprayed the yard front and back with weed killer today and put down some pre-emergent fertilizer. There's just something about tending to what's yours that is self-fulfilling. Not only does it keep one active, but it keeps the mind active as well. In about two weeks, I'm gonna put down some grass seed and then the fruits of my labor will have results about two weeks after that when the germination is over. Those results are kind of parallel with what's happening with me. I've been laying the ground work for my recovery for a while now; however grubs, weeds, and not enough water have left my front yard in shambles.

Ezra 9:31

On the twelfth day of the first month we set out from the Ahava Canal to go to Jerusalem. The hand of our God was on us, and he protected us from enemies and bandits along the way.

I trust in the hand of God to guide me. I trust in the hand of God to protect me from enemies and bandits. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for laying your hand upon me and guiding me in the direction of Your will.

Monday, April 5, 2010

The Underdog

Am I the underdog? Most certainly. That's because addiction is favored to win everytime. That's why it takes effort and dedication to beat addiction. It takes a strong will and God's strength. It takes an open heart and a clear mind.

Psalm 34:2

My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicated hear and rejoice.

If my soul is not with the Lord Jesus Christ, than who is it with? The devil. I could not hear the Lord Jesus Christ when I was afflicted. My ears were deaf to the Lord Jesus Christ. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You got opening my ears to Your voice.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Lighting Denial

This weekend I stayed at a friend's house. It was theraputic and refreshing at the same time.

A good friend of mine who had read my blog told me not use it as a gimmick. I thank him for that suggestion. It wasn't that I was using it as a gimmick, but it definately is possible for me to lose focus of why I'm writing this blog. To help myself and to help others. That is one reason why I want to remain anonymous. I do not wish to receive praise or recognition for my writing. I do not wish to be proud of my writings as pride is a deadly, deadly sin.

Today was the resurrection of Jesus and the pastor at church spoke of a light in the darkness. When I was an addict, my life was darker than coal. The black hole for which I dwindled into had blinded me from the light and kept my addiction hostage. There is now light in my life, and that light is God.

Mark 14:71-72

He began to call down curses on himself, and he swore to them, "I don't know this man you're talking about." Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the word Jesus had spoken to him: "Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times." And he broke down and wept.

How many times in my life did I deny and disown Jesus? Too many. Lord Jesus Christ knew I would disown Him. But he also knew I would come back to Him. That is the unconditional love of the Lord Jesus Christ that is so rare in humans. Alot of people speak of unconditional love but do not practice it. I will practice unconditional love to Jesus and to those that I love. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for being there for me no matter what. Thank You for showing me a light in the darkness.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Exercising The Soul

Tonight, I did a few normal things. It seems odd to write this, but honestly, it felt good. I got a hair cut, bought some toilet paper, went tanning and then went to the gym. My doctor told me that going to the gym helps with recovery. Your body releases endorphins natually when you exercise. This is how your supposed to feel. Good. Naturally. When you release your endorphins all at once by using, more specifically in my case, the dopamine (which is actually a neurotransmitter, but is still a reward chemical of the brain) usually doesn't get replenished enough for the high to be long lasting or realistically natural. Now to get off the technical terms, the fact of the matter is drugs are not natural. They are selfish and make people selfish. Basically when I used, I was rewarding myself, and that's it. Nobody else. And that reward wasn't so much of a reward in the end.

Jeremiah 8:6

I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. No one repents of his wickedness, saying, "What have I done?" Each pursues his own course like a horse charging into battle.

I used to listen to myself and that's it. Sure I took suggestions and learned about addiction and more important recovery. In the end, I tried to do it my way with a twist of everything I had learned. I did not truely repent for my sins. I asked God to forgive me, but subconciously I wanted to be forgiven so I could use again. I don't pursue my own course. I pursue God's course. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me realize I was trying to live life my way and not Your way. Thank You for letting me repent for my sins with no reservations.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Knowing is Beyond Trying

I can try all I want, but if I fail, I can start over. If I know all I want, I won't fail, and I don't have to start over. The key is to never give up, to keep trying, and if something doesn't work, try again. I know what does work for me and will work for the majority of people who give it their all. That is to know God and to give it all to Him.

Today the devil tried to contact me with deceit. An old friend's girlfriend contacted me and said she was going to pick up my old friend from jail tonight. She mentioned new beginnings. I know in my heart that they will be using again probably by this weekend. I sent her a message telling her and my old friend not to contact me and that I couldn't hang out with them anymore. I told them not to take it personal because I'm doing it for myself. It felt good to do this.

Psalm 96 4-6

For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and glory are in his sanctuary.

My idols used to be drugs. I regarded them as giving me strength, making me happy when I was sad, and giving me power. But false idols leave an emptiness. This emptiness was never fulfilled and continued to eat at my soul until I opened my heart to God. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for opening my heart and allowing me to see You again. My vision was blinded by the devil. My vision is corrected.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Absolved of My Sins

After work today, I went to confession. I haven't been to confession in about two years. It was suggested to me that I go more than once, but the devil did not want me to be absolved of my sins. Satan and his serpents wanted me to collect more sins until the bitter end.

Following confession was a mass with the Annointing of the Sick. This is done once a year during holy week in the Catholic Church. It begins with the priest laying his hands on your shoulders. When he did this, I felt a shiver go through my body. He did this for all the sick people attending mass who stood up. Next, he blessed the forehead and hands with a holy oil blessed by the Bishop in God's name to give the sick God's strength and heal them with the Holy Spirit. At first doubts came to my mind, but the devil wants you to doubt so he can remain in your heart. I opened my heart to God and asked him to enter it. I could feel Saint Michael, my Guardian Angel, and The Holy Spirit slaying the serpent in my heart. I could feel the serpent wriggling out and running like a coward.

When I prayed for God to guide me with His scripture for this blog and opened the Bible to a random page. It was Isaiah 38: Hezekiah's Illness. Everybody should read this chapter in the bible, especially those struggling with addiction.

Isaiah 38:15-17

But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and He Himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back.

Thank You God, Lord Jesus Christ the Savior, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for healing me and restoring me to health. I am humbled.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The First Sign

This morning I woke up and the first thing I did was pray. I thanked God for waking me up alive and healthy and I asked Him to guide me through the day.

I also faced one of my fears. On the way to my friend's house the thought entered my mind that I would be passing the street for which the house is on that I've relapsed the last eight times. However I passed the street twice (on the way there and on the way back) and didn't even realize I passed it until I was about a mile away each time. Thank you Lord Jesus Christ for giving me the strength to endure the struggle.

The title of this blog (Forever Like the Moon) was chosen from me praying to God to help me with the title and pseudonym for this blog. Yesterday, I opened the bible to a random page and there staring me in the face were the title and pseudonym.

Today I was standing outside and I caught myself staring at the moon. I began to notice it's intense glow and shimmering fog and I texted my friend to see if it was a full moon. He said it was and I went inside and started pacing back and forth and kept getting subtle shivers. I knew this was the first sign.


No harm befalls the righteous, but the wicked have their fill of trouble.

I was wicked for many years, filled with hate, deceit, manipulation, un-truthfulness, and doubting the existance of God. I can tell you I caused myself great harm. In order for me to rid myself of harm, today I will be righteous. I will do the right thing according to God's will. It sounds so simple to know the difference between right and wrong, and not one of us is perfect to always know what is right and wrong. To practice what is right and wrong is the key to fullfilling God's will. Thank you God, Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me what is right and what is wrong.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

The Devil is a Liar

I am an addict. But I am also a true believer in God, The Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit . This is my first blog and it's purpose is to help me and help others deal with addiction. Addiction is a disease for which there is no known cure. However, it is a manageable disease and can be arrested. I know I can arrest my addiction. Friday night, I relapsed for the eighth time in eight months. Eight months ago was the first time I tried to get help for my addiction and admitted I was an addict. I've been using for about ten years. What I used is of no importance and is irrelevant. Forever Like The Moon is going to be focused on recovery, because if you are an addict, you already know about addiction. I'm going to end each blog off with a bible verse or verses.

PSALM 89:19

Once you spoke in a vision, to your faithful people you said: "I have bestowed strength on a warrior; I have exalted a young man from among the people."

To truely arrest my addiction, I know I have to speak with God and know that he is with me at all times. I can never doubt his presence. For when doubt comes into mind about God, the devil will take advantage immediately and enter your mind. I spoke to God last night and he gave me a message. He said, "Follow My will and do as I say and you will be rewarded. But the reward will not come from Me, but from yourself."

God has bestowed strength on me and I am a warrior, for I am at war with my disease. In order to win this battle, I will need God's strength. A good friend of mine bought me a Bible last night as I did not have one. I believe this is the best gift I ever received. In order to know and understand God's word, you have to learn about God's word. Thank you God and thank you Lord Jesus Christ the Savior for my life that I have now. Thank you for the pain that I have endured and suffered for I could not become the man I am supposed to be without this pain.