Tonight, I did a few normal things. It seems odd to write this, but honestly, it felt good. I got a hair cut, bought some toilet paper, went tanning and then went to the gym. My doctor told me that going to the gym helps with recovery. Your body releases endorphins natually when you exercise. This is how your supposed to feel. Good. Naturally. When you release your endorphins all at once by using, more specifically in my case, the dopamine (which is actually a neurotransmitter, but is still a reward chemical of the brain) usually doesn't get replenished enough for the high to be long lasting or realistically natural. Now to get off the technical terms, the fact of the matter is drugs are not natural. They are selfish and make people selfish. Basically when I used, I was rewarding myself, and that's it. Nobody else. And that reward wasn't so much of a reward in the end.
I have listened attentively, but they do not say what is right. No one repents of his wickedness, saying, "What have I done?" Each pursues his own course like a horse charging into battle.
I used to listen to myself and that's it. Sure I took suggestions and learned about addiction and more important recovery. In the end, I tried to do it my way with a twist of everything I had learned. I did not truely repent for my sins. I asked God to forgive me, but subconciously I wanted to be forgiven so I could use again. I don't pursue my own course. I pursue God's course. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for letting me realize I was trying to live life my way and not Your way. Thank You for letting me repent for my sins with no reservations.