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Monday, May 3, 2010

The Beautiful Struggle

I became a one-sided freak show. I didn't know which side was which. The blurry eyes and foggy brain of mine were clouded with a mist that crept into my body. The devil was present and in full effect. he knew what he was doing and was so good at getting his way and ruining lives, he didn't even deserve to have his name capitalized in a sentence. This is how it works. The devil will show you something good or even great that makes you feel good. he will slowly and easily lure you into his lair, and then it's too late. There is no rock bottom, because a wise man once told me everybody bottom has a trap door. Drugs will take you until you die and then it effects the ones who love you and your family after you are dead. And then your family's family.

This is my story from Saturday night until Sunday night. I need not say more about it because relapse is not elaborate.

Today, God brought my neighbor to me. God has been speaking to me through people for about six weeks now. "Find someone worth dying for and live for them, " is what my neighbor told me that really stuck out. This is was Jesus Christ did. If you are an addict or not please re-read that quote. And then read it again. He also showed me a video to check out. Again, please watch this. And then watch it again. I'm listening to it right now as I type. It's making me cry as I type this sentence.

Right now this second I am thinking about my son. About how I used to hold him to my chest when he was a baby and feel an aura of love and happiness. My neighbor reminded me of that feeling and I still get that feeling when I hug him the little I get to see him now. But if I go to jail or die, that feeling will be gone for both of us.

ISAIAH 40:27-31

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth, He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom, He gives strength to the weary, and young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

While I was in the middle of this blog I began to speak in tongues. This is the first time this has ever happened to me. I never believed in tongues nor have wanted to speak in tongues. I started to get a feeling in my heart kind of like a sensation. I closed my eyes and began to speak in tongues and I kept feeling an incredible sensation going through my body. At first it felt like the feeling you get when you get high but it was a thousand times more powerful. God You are not made up, You are real. I can not deny You Lord, nor will I give up on You. Thank You God, Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for showing me the high I get from the drugs will go away and that Your love is much more powerful than the devil's false hopes. Thank You for showing me Your love is everlasting.

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