Knowing is Half the Battle

I've known for a long time now that I want to recover from my addiction. I've taken in copious amounts of information and practiced everything I can. I've taken suggestions and listened to others' stories. I've arrested my addiction for over sixty days. I've gotten back to loving and trusting God after a ten year absence(around the time I started using). But the other half of the battle is wanting. I want this so bad right now that the pain I experienced still resonates deep in my heart. Since there is no known cure for addiction, it takes the right formula of trial and error for each individual person to succeed. What I can not believe is how much of a better person I am now than when I was using. I used to be a controlling, manipulative person. I used to be a compulsive liar. I used to not trust and believe in God. I truly believe I was supposed to go through this experience so that I could help others. That's one of the things I have always loved to do is help others. Recovery is not an exact science. Recovery is an art form.

Isiah 8:12-13

Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it. The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, He is the one you are to fear, He is the one you are to dread, . . .

Why should I fear the devil. If I fear the devil, then that gives him control of my emotions. I will fear God as he is in control of my destiny. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to fear You.

What Happens When You Panic?

You become calm, cool, and collected. The three Cs right? Taught in elementary school. Well today I couldn't find my bible and I started to panic. I thought, "Oh boy, here we go!" I started to think in my head that this was a sign that the devil was trying to get to me. Well it probably was because I decided to do my blog without the bible verse for the first time. As I was walking to the basement, I saw my bible on the book case sitting faintly in the dark. Order was restored. Cool. Calm. Collected. Right?


PSALM 22:24

O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent. Do not be far from me, O Lord. Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord. Vindicate me in your righteousness, O Lord my God; do not let them gloat over me. Do not let them think, "Aha, just what we wanted!" or say, "We have swallowed him up."


I was not swallowed up by the dark side and am lucky that there was a glimmer of light for me to hold on to pull me back from the blackness. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for being by side and coming to my defense!

Unwanted Urging

I got an urge last night shortly after I put down my book and turned out the lights. I looked at the clock to time it and it was 11:05PM. I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep. By the time the urge had passed, it was 11:39PM. A 34 minute urge(Most last between 15 and 20 minutes). For those of you who don't know, an urge is a subliminal message or thought that your brain gives you because it wants something. With this example being a drug, it is the chemical the brain wants to unleash to experience the artificial pleasure feeling. I.E. it is a chemical addiction. Some addictions are physical and some are chemical, however some are both. I'm pretty sure my addiction is chemical and just when the brain realizes that the chemical is out of the system, it wants more and doesn't want you to forget about the reward experience. This happens at approximately the three week period. Now the brain can also be trained to live without drugs. It takes time. The longer I stay sober, the less and shorter urges will be until they eventually fade away. This sounds simple, but infact it is one of the great mysteries of diseases. Hopefully, my experience as a pseudo test case will help others in the future.

Ezekiel 36:3

Therefore prophesy and say, This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Because they ravaged and hounded you from every side so that you became the possession of the rest of the nations and the object of people's malicious talk and slander,

I almost became a permanent possession of the devil. People who I love dearly talk maliciously and slander me to my face and behind my back. But I must shove this to the side. If I let it affect me, I will never recover for I will hold resentments that will burn inside of me like a flaming torch. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to ignore malicious talk and slander against my name. Thank You for allowing me to be free from the deathly grip the devil possesses.

Writer's Blocked

I recently finished a 698 page book on the history of the NBA by Bill Simmons. The Book of Basketball is a riveting book on the complete history of professional basketball detailing the greatest players and greatest teams of all time, while also adding many stories and opinions that have generated over the years. There was a quote in the book by Bill Walton, a two time NCAA Champ and two time NBA Champ who holds the NBA record for most games missed in a career (due to injury) while being on a team's roster. Walton stated, "The history of life is that most people eventually figure it out." Referring to "The Choice" or stated by Bill Simmons as "The Secret", which is the only way to win a championship in the NBA(or in any phase of basketball). By playing as a team as one instead of looking for individual success and achievements, few players actually understood the "The Choice" or "The Secret".

Song of Songs 8:6

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.

As paralleled with Walton's quote, I know that I will figure out my problem. I am beginning to love myself again and become one with myself. Although people have to figure out life on their own, the jouney holding God's hand can make the walk an endless stroll into freedom. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for walking with me as I figure out life and begin to love and know myself again.

Meditation for the Sculpting of the Mind

I had to meditate today and do some soul searching. I had to close my eyes and kick my feet up on the window sill. Sitting in the recliner, I told myself over and over again that I do not want to use drugs. That drugs are harmful to me. I told myself I will use my tools for recovery whenever I get into a situation where I sense my control is wavering. Again and again, I told myself I was going to be strong and resist the temptations. Praying to the Lord, I gave up my addiction to Him. An hour later, I woke up. I felt a change. A change that I've never felt before in my course for recovery. The complexity of arresting an addiction is like none other challenge I have ever faced. In the face of adversity, I have to do this. There is no other path.

Psalm 110:1

The Lord says to my Lord: "Sit at my right hand until I make your enemies a footstool for your feet."

The Lord is mighty. It is passages like this that remind me how powerful the Lord is. I am above my enemies and wish to rest my feet upon them. I can vision this. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit. Thank You for placing me at Your right hand.

Pain

I have to write about this because it's been built up inside of me for so long, especially lately. The hurt that I have caused myself and the ones I love is excruciating. It burrows in my heart and knives away until I can't stand it anymore and have to shut out the feelings by closing my eyes and praying I may fall asleep. Hopefully, writing about this will help. I can't dwell on what I've done, for the pain will expand. I can't forget about it either, as the pain will come back stronger. Today, I have to focus on not causing any more pain. I have to remember what this pain feels like everyday I wake up and thank the Lord for giving me strength. I close my eyes now and pray for forgiveness.

PSALM 145:17-20

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy.


This is a very strong passage that resonates within my heart. Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for saving me and destroying the wickedness which festered in my soul.

Surrender

I relapsed. I didn't just relapse, I had a full blown out shutdown. I was locked in my own prison without bars and I was the only one with the key. Here today, I stand to surrender. Unconditionally, truthfuly, honestly, I surrender.

God, today I stand before you upright and strong. I will not let my addiction bond to my soul anymore. I will not let the serpents enter my mind and soul. If urges do happen to slip in through the sneakyness of Satan, I will throw them out with the help of your angels. I have been defeated, humiliated, and broken. I will not look into the past and dwell on my sins. I will live for today now with You by my side. Step by step, I will walk into the light and away from the darkness. Micah 7:8-9 will be the bible verse I will abide by. I know You have a life of happiness in store for me God. I will never give up on You for the rest of my life. This too shall overcome as the price to pay has taken my soul to the depths of darkness. This is what I was put on this Earth for, to abide by Your will. All the words in all of the languages can not express my total surrender. Take my soul God, take it in Your palms and enter My heart through your Holy Spirit. For I am one with You as You are one with me.

Micah 7:8-9

Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against Him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see His righteousness.

Thank You God, Thank You Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. Thank You for allowing me to surrender to Your will.